theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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