I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
