Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
