the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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