i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
