Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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