hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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