If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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