I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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