last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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