Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
