one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We just shotgunned beers for America
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
God, I missed his penis.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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