she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
