When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
