No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i was born a porn star she said
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
