Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
