he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
