he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
