No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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