That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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