i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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