she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
