dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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