I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
