Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
