My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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