My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Can you bring me the toilet please
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Couch. On fire.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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