booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
what day is it and did you see me today?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
