i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
