yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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