Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize