I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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