Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
