Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
