Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
