About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize