i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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