I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Be still, my beating vagina.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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