he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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