then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
