You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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