tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
