I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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