his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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