Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I could make wine with my vomit
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Dear god my vagina.
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