I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
