I faked an abortion last night.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
