someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
