This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize