And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
there was a trapeze. enough said
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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