That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize