Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
