Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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