I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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