nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
