guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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